CLOSE TO YOU

The thought of being mortal hurts the most. The thought of being alone in space is unbearable. The thought that love sooner or later ends and goes away is approaching death faster than anything. What can we do to stop time from running so ruthlessly fast? Tell us what to do.

I tried to forget about my mortality in love. But it made me a slave to the thought of you and took away my freedom. Freedom stands above all else. And I want to be free. To be close to you.

I tried to look for oblivion in the beauty around. But I found with pain that it was mortal. We get used to beauty and it stops being so beautiful. Seasons are born and die. The sun rises and sets. Your smile is no longer only mine. My heart is too small to hold so many losses. To be born again with every sunrise, every season and hope for your smile, designed only for me. To be close to you.

I tried to look for oblivion in the carnal pleasures. But I exhausted my body with lies and pretense. From the illusion of the moment. From the pain of creation. But I also endured it. To be close to you.

I tried to look for oblivion in knowledge. I was ruthlessly accumulating tons of wisdom until I completely forgot about you and imagined that I was above everything and everyone. Knowledge made me selfish and self-sufficient. And I needed your love. I needed the warmth of your smile. To be close to you.

I tried to look for oblivion in money. But the worm of my complacency grew with each passing day, threatening to destroy me. And then I lost everything. And I was left naked in my loneliness, but rich in the joy of loss. To be close to you.

I tried to look for oblivion in pride. I thought I should be proud of the simple fact that I exist. But my pride was building a wall between me and you. And I was ready to cross the deserts on foot and ask you to let me love you again. To be close to you.

I tried to lock my heart, to spare my soul, not to give away my body for free, to punish you for all the trials that I was subjected to. But every time you gave me a reason not to give up, but to continue. Each time you have told me that I am not alone in my ordeal, but your almighty spirit is everywhere, changing space and time for me.

I tried to look for you in every copy of my body and spirit. And I found you there as an immense potential, pure and innocent, free from sin, filled with your forgiveness. And every copy of me, in body and in spirit, was approaching you more and more, and you forgave the original sin, because it was the faith that made you to forgive us. And I was getting closer to you.

I tried to find you under different names. But it brought even more confusion and sadness. Because with every subsequent name you were the same - unique and great. Intrigued by its shape and surface, I imagined that only one name was right for you. But it meant trying to bring your divine and multifaceted nature into a small form while you were the creator of infinity. And you laughed at my helpless blindness. I found you, deleting all human names thoroughly and leaving a place in my heart, which you filled with great variety. I stopped looking for a name for you, but instead of comforting my soul, I achieved joy in suffering. To be close to you.

Then I realized that life without you does not exist. Where life pulsates, you are there, great and creating. I needed you.

I need to find you in the life around me to feel support for the days ahead. I need to find you in the simple facts and phenomena that, in my little vision, border on magic and divine splendor that only you are capable of. I need to find you in the warmth and light of the sun's rays, which my body welcomes in the morning. And in the evening it becomes home to the lunar promise of continuation and circulation. You are like breathing, without which we cannot exist. You are a honey bee that honestly works hard to produce honey so we can experience the sweetness of life. You are the butterfly born after a long night in which something dies to be born free of its old sin. You are a bird that spreads its wings and roams freely, free from daily malice and prejudice. You are everything I see, feel, think and sense. You turn into all this to tell me that I can be anything. As long as I want to be close to you.

Only through you I can achieve immortality and promise of eternal mercy.
Only through you I can be everything.

(Elena S. Lyubenova)