NOTHING CAN HURT ME

I wish I was a stone that time would gradually cover with moss and oblivion. Then the pain of your neglect and hatred would slowly grow dull.

I wish I was a stone that never changes, never dreams and never grieves for its unfulfilled dreams.

I wish I no longer dreamed of you because it brings unbearable suffering to know that you are forever beyond my reach.

That is exactly why I want to be a stone that does not need mercy from others because it has no mercy for itself.

I wish I was a stone, made of the same substance as you. Because only then would I no longer feel the impossible pain of believing that you have already turned your heart to stone.

And stones do not cry. Stones do not dream. They are indifferent to both love and hatred. Stones do not need a God to grant them immortality. A God who can promise them eternal love and eternal remembrance.

We, the stones, are immortal even without God. Cold and impervious to eternity.

I have no heart left to suffer. And because I have no heart, it can never be broken. Nothing can touch me anymore. Absolutely nothing.

You have become a stone as well. There is no warmth for me left in your heart.

Do you remember the beginning? Do you remember when our two hearts resembled two rising stars whose combined light was powerful enough to warm the cold and gloomy cosmos?

Because my end became your beginning. And when gravity brought the beginning and the end together, love was enough to warm our two lonely hearts. Driven by gravity, you fell in love with me on purpose. You did it on purpose to destroy me. Because love and pain walk hand in hand. Because one person's love becomes another person's sorrow and suffering.

Then we began to take revenge on one another. We took revenge because gravity had brought us together. We took revenge because we were unbearably and painfully present in each other's thoughts. We kept taking revenge until we destroyed the very thing that bound us together, until we became hard and solid like stones that no longer wished to feel how distant and unattainable the other had become.

Until I became a shattered stone. Thousands of fragments broke away under the weight of the pain you caused me. Yet you continued to punish me for the simple fact that you had fallen in love with me. And I had no choice but to become strong and cruel. Strong and cold like a stone that nothing can wound. Neither the storms outside nor those within me. Neither betrayal, nor lies, nor the weariness of life, nor the sight of people turning their backs on me. Not even the feeling that God abandons me in the battles that matter most. It cannot hurt me because God is part of me.

I wish I was a stone that felt nothing. But I am filled with memories, dreams and tenderness. And as long as I have memories and dreams, I will wait for you because the Sun has the power to warm even the coldest stone. Because before you became a stone, you were a star. A rising star that I nurtured.

So do not believe me when I say that nothing can hurt me.

It is a lie.

Because your beginning was my end.

Here and now.

I wish.

(Elena S. Lyubenova)