It happened quite unexpectedly and without warning. I was up on the hill. It was bright and joyful, and then suddenly everything became dark and I began to fall. After that, I no longer remembered anything about myself. I had not brought a photograph with me, so I did not know what I looked like. I could not remember anything about myself. It was a dark night. Complete darkness.
I set off to look for myself. First, I searched within myself, trying to remember who I was, what I loved to do and who my beloved was. But I saw only darkness.
Then I searched around me, trying to recognise my surroundings and find the way home. But I found nothing. I saw only paths with many steps leading to other people’s houses. I did not see a single untrodden path.
I searched everywhere. I reached the market, but I could see only the glitter of money in people’s eyes. They had come there to buy happiness. Some could buy a great deal of happiness and others very little, and this made them unhappy, filling their hearts with jealousy and hatred.
I went to look for myself in a bar, but they told me that they did not serve women. That was how I discovered that I was a woman. I asked whether they knew my beloved, but they told me that no one loved anyone there. They said, however, that if I wished, I could earn some money by allowing others to discover love through me. I was not certain whether my love might be waiting for me somewhere outside, so I left.
I entered a church that was buried in tall weeds. Its courtyard was full of trees that bore no fruit. They blossomed in spring, but no one had ever seen them bear fruit. In the church, I was told that if I was a lost soul, I would have to pay a certain amount of money, and they would perform a soul-comforting service for me that would soon return my soul to my female body. I thought that I might be useful to the church and offered to preach, but they replied that this was impossible because I was in a female body. Women could not be spiritual leaders. I asked why they allowed such an injustice to exist. They told me that the female body led to temptation and that men might begin coming to church because of my beauty rather than to worship God. I asked whether I was the Mother of God, but they told me that the role had been occupied long ago. I was angry and confused, and everything was still filled with darkness.
Then I began to cry out for help. It was unbearably dark and cold. The stars looked down at me with compassion from the infinite sky, and the wind gave me the direction and coordinates of where to search.
Then, by accident, when I was so lost and exhausted that I no longer wished to know who I was, I met Him. He hung upon a wooden cross at the top of the hill. Above Him, a bright beam of light descended from the sky and illuminated His face. He hung alone upon the cross, and there was no one around Him. His body was covered with stains of blood that continued to flow, as though He had been crucified only moments before. But He did not look angry with the people. On the contrary, a sorrowful smile illuminated His face. He was worried about the people who had crucified Him. He was worried about their souls. How would they live from that moment onwards with the guilt of such a terrible crime? He was afraid that they might take their own lives. He had not come among people to punish them, but to show them what love was.
When I saw Him, I became afraid, and images began to pass through my mind. I stood motionless before Him and did not dare to ask whether I was the one responsible for His suffering. He understood the unspoken question and gently comforted me, saying that it no longer mattered. Because if I found myself, I would save Him once again. I began to understand that I still had a long way to go. I dared to ask Him where I should go to search for myself. He told me that to the right, where His blood-covered right hand was pointing, were the good and holy people. If I believed that I was one of them, then I should go to the right. Then He turned towards the left and said that the traitors and criminals were there. He told me that I had to choose where to go.
It was already dawn. I had been walking all night and was certainly not ready for another long journey. But I had no memory of whether I had been good or bad. He suggested that I now had the unique opportunity to be born again. He said that not everyone was given this chance for a second time. I therefore had to choose wisely, because my choice would shape my whole life from that moment onwards. I sat beneath His nailed feet while the entire world spun around me.
I already knew that I might never be able to find myself, and I began to like the idea. I could be a blade of grass carried without direction by the wind. I could be a beggar enjoying the freedom to remain wherever he wished, the lord of the streets. I could be someone’s love, but instead I was merely a lost soul.
When I met Him, He told me to seek the light, because only then would I begin to separate myself from the darkness and take shape. But I loved the darkness. I loved being lost. I loved being like that beggar who possessed all the freedom in the world.
But He said that the light would give me form. So I searched for the light. He said that I needed to pray, and I learned all the religious practices of the world in order to understand His language, because I did not want anyone else to translate my prayers to Him. But I still did not understand His language. He told me to believe, yet He kept giving me reasons not to. Everything around me was concerned only with itself, its own brilliance and its own selfishness. The result was universal blindness. This weakened my faith in Him, because was it possible that His image was so self-loving? Was it possible to become lost among people and for no one to help you find yourself?
But He said that my salvation depended on me. He said that I was water and should be able to take the shape of whatever vessel I was poured into. He told me that I could be anything; I simply had to choose what I wanted to be this time. He said that I needed a new form to strengthen my spirit and soften my heart. He wanted me to become a strong warrior, but I was a weak woman, lost in the light and accustomed to the darkness.
The sun was already illuminating the cross, so I went neither to the left nor to the right. Instead, I walked boldly through the middle of the field. That was how I began to shape myself. I walked through the field illuminated by the rising sun, covered with thorns and crawling creatures. Instead of fear, my heart was filled with mercy. I saw other lost people crossing the field, but each of them followed an invisible purpose of their own.
I already had a shadow running before me across the field. My shadow was full of life. I had a beautiful shadow. The end of the field, filled with obstacles and trials that I had managed to overcome, was already visible. I thought that I should stop and rest when I felt something collide with me. It was a body, one half of which radiated a powerful light while the other half was naked. It did not look like a woman’s body.
That was how I met you.
You said that you had been looking for me because we had promised one another that we would meet in every new life. You said that I was your greatest love and that you were the love I had been searching for. You said that you had never stopped looking for me. From the moment we lost one another, you knew that you would find me again.
I believed you. I believed that you were what I had been searching for. When you kissed me with your eyes, I remembered everything. I remembered the creation of the universe. I remembered my birth. I remembered how I had met you. I remembered our love. I remembered the darkness that had covered everything and prevented me from finding you.
Then you embraced me, and our two shadows merged into one great shadow in which our loving souls were reflected.
The light was conquering the world without resistance.
(Elena S. Lyubenova)
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