It happened quite unexpectedly and without warning. I was up on the hill, it was bright and happy, then suddenly it became dark and I started to fall down. Then I no longer remembered anything about myself. I did not bring my photo with me, so I did not know how I looked. I could not remember anything about myself. It was a dark night. Complete darkness.
I set off to look for myself. I was looking in myself first, trying to
remember who I am, what I love to do, who is my beloved. I saw only darkness.
Then I searched around myself, trying to recognize the environment to find
the way to my home. But I did not find anything. I only saw paths with many
steps leading to houses to other people. I did not see any untrodden paths.
I was looking everywhere. I got to the market. But I could only see the
glitter of money in people's eyes. They had come here to buy happiness. Some
could buy a lot of happiness, and some very little, and that made them unhappy,
filling their hearts with jealousy and hatred.
I went to look for myself in a bar, but they told me they did not serve
women. That is how I found out I was a woman. I asked if they knew my beloved,
but they told me that no one loved anyone here. But they said that if I wanted
to, I could earn some money by letting others to discover love through me. I
was not sure whether my love was not waiting for
me out there, and I went out.
I went into a church, which was sunk in high weeds. Its yard was full of
trees that did not bear fruit. They bloomed in spring, but no one had ever seen
fruit. I was told in the church that if I am a lost soul, I would have to pay a
certain amount of money and they will perform for me a soul-comforting service,
which would soon return my soul to my female body. I thought I might be useful
to the church and offered them to do sermons, but they replied that it was not
possible because I am in a female body. Women cannot be spiritual leaders. I
asked why they allowed this injustice to exist. And they told me that the
female body leads to temptation, and men can start coming to church for my
beauty, not to worship God. I asked if I was the mother of God, but they told
me that the role was long ago occupied. I was angry and confused, and it was
still full of darkness.
Then I started shouting for help. It was incredibly dark and cold. The stars
stared at me with compassion from the infinite sky. And the wind gave me the
direction and coordinates of where to look.
Then by accident, when I was so lost and tired that I no longer wanted to
know who I was, I met Him. He hung on a wooden cross on the top of the hill.
Above Him a bright strip of light came from the sky and illuminated His face.
He hung lonely on the cross, and there was no one around. His body was covered
with stains of blood, which continued to flow as if they were crucified Him
very soon. But He did not look angry at the people. Even on the contrary, a sad
smile lit his face. He was worried about the people who had crucified Him. He was
worried about their souls. How will they live from now on with the guilt of
this grave crime? He was afraid they could take their lives away. He had not come to among the people
to punish them but to show them what
love is.
When I saw Him, I was afraid, and images began to pass through my head. I stood
numb in front of Him, and I dared not ask Him whether I was the one who was
guilty of His sufferings. He understood the unspoken question and consoled me
gently that it did not matter anymore. Because if I find myself, I will save Him
once again. I began to understand that I still had a long way to go. I dared to
ask Him where to go to look for myself. And He told me that to the right, where
His right hand, covered in blood, was pointing, there were the good and holy
people. And if I think I am one of them, then I have to go to the right. Then
He turned to the left and said the traitors and the criminals were there. He
said I had to choose where to go. It was already dawning, I had been walking
all night long and certainly, I was not ready for a long journey. But I had no
memory of whether I was good or bad. He suggested
that now I have the unique new opportunity to be born again. He said that not
everyone is given this chance for a second time. So I had to choose wisely,
because it would have defined my whole life from now on. I sat down beneath His
nailed feet, and all the world was spinning around me.
I already knew that I might not be able to find myself, and I started to like
it. I could have been a grass flying without a direction thrown by the wind. I
could be a beggar who enjoys his freedom to stay where he wants to be, the lord
of the streets. I could be someone's love, but instead I was just a lost soul.
When I met him, He told me to seek the light, for that is how I will begin
to separate from the darkness and shape myself. But I loved the darkness, I
loved the fact that I was lost that I was like that beggar who had all the
freedom of the world.
But He said the light would give me a shape. I was looking for the light. He
said I need to pray. And I learned all the religious practices of the world to
understand His language because I did not want somebody else to translate my prayers
to Him. But I still did not understand His language. He told me to believe, but
he was giving me reasons for the contrary. Everything around me was occupied
only by itself and its own shine and selfishness. The effect of this was
general blindness. And this weakened my faith in Him because is it possible
that His prototype is so self-loving. Is it possible to get lost among the
people and no one could help you to find yourself? But He said that my
salvation depends on me. He said that I am water that should be able to take any
form in which it is poured in. He told me that I could be anything, I just have
to choose what I want to be this time. He said I needed a new form to
strengthen my spirit and soften my heart. He wanted me a strong warrior, but I
was a weak woman and I was lost in the light, accustomed to the darkness.
The sun was already illuminating the cross, so I did not go either to the
left or to the right, and I walked boldly in the middle of the field. So I
began to shape myself. I walked through the illuminated by the rising sun
field, covered with thorns and creeping things. Instead with fear my heart was
filled with mercy. I saw other lost people passing through the field, but
everyone was following his own invisible purpose. And I already had a shadow
running before me in the field. My shadow was full of life. I had a beautiful
shadow. The end of the field, filled with the many obstacles and trials, which I
managed to overcome, was already visible. I thought I had to stop to rest when
I felt something faced me. It was a body, half of which radiated strong light,
and the other half was naked. It did not look like a woman's body. So I met
you.
You said you were looking for me because we promised to each other to meet
in every next life. You said that I am your greatest love, and you are the love
I seek. You said you never stopped looking for me. And from the moment we lost
each other, you knew you would find me again. I believed you. I believed you
were what I was looking for. When you kissed me with your eyes, I remembered everything. I remembered the creation of the universe. I
remembered my birth. I remembered how I met you. I remembered our love. I
remembered the darkness, which then covered everything and which prevented me
from finding you. Then you embraced me and our two shadows merged into one big
shadow in which our loving souls reflected.
The light was conquering the world without resistance.
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