I AM NOT FROM HERE

I am not from here. I am trapped in this mortal body. I am immortal and elusive. I have been in this city for a while, and even in this world for quite a long time. But then I met you. When I met you, I remembered how God created the universe—with crashing thunder and gravity. Dust and gas created everything visible and invisible. Everything will become dust in the end.

When the Earth turns in such a way that darkness covers everything, go outside and look at the dark sky illuminated by distant little lights. That is where I am from. I came to visit the Earth in this form for a while.

Our story has been repeated for thousands of years and can never reach an ending that would satisfy both of us. Our story is endless, but it has a beginning. It began on a summer day when another meteor burned in the atmosphere of the Earth. You saw the death of the meteor, but you thought it was a falling star, and, as tradition demands, you made a wish. I was your wish. You wished to meet me again one day. Love happened to you. You were not ready for this love.

So we met—as the fulfilment of the wish made upon a falling star, as a ready-made recipe for cosmic drama. But I am not what you think I am. I am elusive energy. I am not a projection of your thoughts about me. I am not an image of what you are accustomed to seeing around you. I come from your cosmic past and future.

But you are not ready for me. You have a large window frame in which you display certain things. They stand there because you want everyone to see them and believe that you can be trusted. Within this frame, I see several portraits that people would like to see. But beneath the large, closely arranged and ostentatiously happy portraits, I see something else. It looks like a cage, a lie, hypocrisy. There is also a great fear coming from one corner—a fear that if you remove this frame from your happy life, nothing will remain. A fear that others will not accept you without this framed cage. But is that really true?

Where is the place of love in this exemplary cage? Where is the place of passion? Of the mad, burning passion that, if it truly exists, does not need the approval of others. Passion does not need to be displayed in public. It is shy, intimate and quiet, like a river that may overflow its banks at any moment. Does the sun need our approval in order to shine?

And me? Where is my place within this frame? Somewhere behind the happy portraits, hidden like a shameful experience.

But I am not from here. You cannot hide me behind yourself. You cannot visibly ignore me while secretly experiencing me with passion. I am not from here. I come from the stars, and I do not fit inside a cage.

I am ancient and mythical. Hot energy rages within me because I am still taking shape. I am a future star, a vast sphere of cosmic dust and gas gathered forever by gravity. But I am still forming, and your little cage is too narrow for me.

I am not from here. Remember that. If you want my love, break the cage. Free yourself from the approval of others. Then my fiery nature will warm your cold and frightened heart. You have a lonely heart. It is lonely even though it is surrounded by so many portraits. If you want my love, be brave. Be mythical and cosmic.

When God created the universe and the world, He wanted them to be free and proud. Because God is our conscience. And our conscience is God. Our conscience about our lives and our pain. God created us free—free from pain. Free yourself from pain.

I am not from this human world, full of deliberately caused suffering. I am not from a world where people prefer to kill one another instead of loving one another. Where people allow differences to divide them. Where fear and hypocrisy destroy the longings of the heart.

I am not from here, so I do not promise to remain here and love you only in this place. Because I can love you everywhere. You are in my heart, and I carry my heart everywhere with me. Pain reminds me of you at every hour of the day. That is why I carry my pain everywhere, so that it may remind me of you. My pain for you and I have already become one whole. You are in my mind, and I think of you constantly. I cannot separate you from thoughts of joy, longing and sadness. Longing, sorrow and pain are your connection with me.

No, do not make me stay. There is no place for me within this narrow frame. There are already enough portraits—faded portraits, old portraits, telling stories of long-felt emotions and hearts. Portraits of people who are part of your great formal family. They watch carefully for every possible rearrangement of the portraits around you. Your happiness depends on their approval. You are not free from their approval. You are not free from their decisions. You are not free. You cannot make decisions about your own life alone. The portrait frame is your prison.

There is no place for me within this frame. All the places were occupied and counted long ago. The world stares at the frame and knows exactly how many portraits it contains. The world will not forgive you for rearranging or replacing them. The world is cruel, and you are weak and not brave enough to rebel against it. Because everything inside the portrait frame is clear, precise, secure and carefully outlined. There you are part of the group, because that is the only way you know how to exist. You do not need to have a personality beyond the frame. You are accustomed to being part of the large kennel. You are not a brave medieval knight with the courage to defend his lady’s honour. No, you are a small person living inside a small, narrow frame. Your suffering, pain and longing for me are so great that they are about to destroy your comfortable frame. Even if that happens one day, even if the frame breaks beneath the pressure of your great suffering for me and releases you from your cell, even then you will not escape. You are small, and you do not have the courage to do so. You do not need your freedom. You do not want the world to judge you. But the world will always judge and condemn you, whatever you do. And you are not brave enough to face it. You are not brave enough to fight for yourself.

And do you know what? Even if you free yourself, do not look for me. You are accustomed to living inside frames, and even if your old frame breaks, you will instinctively search for materials from which to build a new one. You will place new portraits inside it, and you will continue to depend on the world’s opinion and judgement. One day, your new frame will also become too narrow for the great suffering of your heart. But even then, do not look for me. Because I am not from here. I am a free and proud spirit. Elusive and independent. You cannot imprison me within a frame. You cannot place a label upon me and display me to the public. You cannot measure out your love for me according to the expectations of society.

I am more than a frame. I am the eternal, immense energy that met you during my journey through different worlds. I do not judge you for being accustomed to living inside a frame. But of all the billions of people in the human world, I gravitated towards you in order to help you free yourself. To give you some of my courage, inspiration and longing. Pain is what connects us. The pain of the cosmic end, of the cosmic drama of the burning comet you saw before you met me. There in the sky, you saw your destiny.

I am not from here. I am leaving because many more light-years of travel are waiting for me. But I leave you the memory of my spirit, courage and light. From now on, you are destined. You are destined to think of me every day. To smile when you see me after closing your eyes. To suffer when your longing for me grows greater with every passing day. And perhaps one day you will become so great and so brave that you will no longer need a frame. Your memories of me will change you. They will change you slowly and surely, every day and in each of your future lives.

And when, after several lifetimes, I visit these places again, you will follow me. You will recognise me immediately when you see me. You will recognise my hair, my smile, my eyes in which you will see yourself. When you recognise me, it will be easy and magical.

Then you will come with me, and together we will conquer the universe. We will travel through all its corners, and we will find our God.

(Elena S. Lyubenova)