LONGING

I am like an exotic creature around whom you love to circle. Just as the bee circles the flowers in search of the richest nectar. I am a flower. You are a bee. And then the opposite—I am a bee, and you are a flower. There is more to our mutual attraction than mere aesthetic contemplation.

You are so immense that you cover the horizon. I am so vast that you no longer see the horizon at all. I see only you. You see only me. We are trying to keep our balance in the world's oldest game. You do not want to seduce me. I do not intend to seduce you. I want nothing from you. You want nothing from me. Yet we never stop the game. One step forward, and you are caught in the trap of my eyes. One step back, and I am captured by your smile. You are like a mirror of my moods. Whatever makes me sad makes you even sadder and more willing to help. I make you a man. A man who radiates tenderness and a longing to escape. With you, I become the perfect lady, practising how to be brave. You follow me everywhere. Wherever I am, I search for you with my eyes.

Our bodies become accustomed to meeting and seeing each other wherever there are witnesses because it feels safer than being alone. Then your voice appears. I am a little afraid of your voice. And I postpone, for as long as I can, my desire to hear it. While you remain a stranger, I am not afraid. As long as I remain unknown to you, you are safe. Neither of us wants the voice to bind us together or divide us.

Then the words step onto the stage. They have been delayed for a long time because they see no reason to interfere with the unfolding of the story. But you need me to say something so that the silence does not become too long and too comfortable. I need to say something to disperse what neither of us wishes to say.

The voice gathers courage and decides to get to know us. I am surprised by the timbre of your voice because it completes you on another level. You are no longer only eyes, a smile and gestures. You begin to exist in a dimension to which I willingly respond, as though you were flying through the air beside me wherever I go. My voice decides to join yours and brings with it a few timid musical notes. You tremble at the music of my voice. Because the voice is like an introduction. It is like the beginning of a bond. It is longing expressed on another level. And I want nothing from you. And you want nothing from me. Yet your voice is so warm and gentle. My voice is so cheerful and full of promise. Neither you nor I wishes to go any further. But your voice and mine are like a longing for distant lands, magical lands where wishes come true. Lands from another dimension, where everything is pure energy and nothing encounters barriers.

And I speak about ordinary things. Trivial things. Foolish things. You find even my foolish words charming, and you smile. You smile, but not too broadly, because you have no intentions at all. You are merely an actor in the world's oldest game of seduction. You do not want the game to end. I do not have the courage to admit defeat. So we leave, determined to fight for our freedom.

Then I meet you by chance, and you are filled with expectation and tenderness. But this is not a romantic meeting beneath the moonlight, casting its spell of continuation and belonging. I do not belong to you. You will never belong to me. And that is strangely comforting. Because all this immense energy is capable of destroying our carefully ordered worlds. You do not want that. Nor do I feel the desire to fly away with you.

You are afraid that I may become real—too real. I am terrified by the thought that you might become part of my everyday life. Because I prefer the game of the mind. Because everything real and significant has already happened within your eyes. I kissed you with my mind, and you did not mind at all. And everything is so beautiful without the false promises of eternal faithfulness. Because I know you will not remain faithful to me forever. And you know that I cannot promise you faithfulness. Because we belong to ourselves.

But what I see in your eyes as they follow me everywhere is frighteningly real. It is more than a promise of faithfulness. As long as I am not a permanent part of your everyday life, you are ready to follow me everywhere. You are ready to sacrifice yourself simply to find me with your eyes. And I want nothing more. I do not want false promises. Do not expect me to ask you several times a day whether you love me. I am not so insecure. I am the free dream that has already captured your body and your mind. And I can quietly announce victory. A victory without illusions. A silent victory.

I am the temptation. But you do not want to possess me. You are the temptation. And I am determined to keep you forever in my mind.

(Elena S. Lyubenova)