LONGING

I am like an exotic creature around which you love to circle. So the bee goes around the flowers in search of the most nectariferous plant. I am a flower. You were a bee. And the opposite - I am a bee, you are a flower. And there is more to our mutual interest than aesthetic contemplation.

  You are so big you are covering the horizon. I am so huge that you do not see the horizon at all. I only see you. You only see me. We are trying to safely balance the world's oldest game. You do not want to seduce me. I do not intend to seduce you. I do not want anything from you. You do not want anything from me. But we do not stop the game. One step ahead and you are in my eyes trap. One step back and I am in your smile. You are like a mirror of my moods. What makes me sad makes you even more sad and willing to help. I make you a man. A man who emanates tenderness and a desire to escape. With you I am the perfect lady who exercises to be brave. You follow me everywhere. I look for you with my eyes wherever I am.

  Our bodies get used to meet and see everywhere where there are witnesses, because it is safer than staying alone. Then comes your voice. I am a little bit afraid of your voice. And I postpone as long as I can my desire to hear your voice. While you are a stranger, it is not scary for me. Until I am unknown to you, you are saved. We do not want the voice to bind and divide us.

 

 Then the words come out on stage. They are long delayed because they do not see the point of interfering with the development of the action. But you need me to say something so that the silence is not too long and comfortable. I need something to tell you to dispel what we do not want to say.

  The voice, gains a courage and decides to know us. I am surprised by the timbre of your voice because it complements you on another level. You are no longer just eyes, smile and gestures. You start to exist in a dimension that I respond willingly to, as if you are flying in the air after me, wherever I am. My voice decides to join yours and brings some timid musical notes. You tremble from the music of my voice. Because the voice is like introducing. It is like bonding and beginning. It is a longing on another level. And I do not want anything from you. And you do not want anything from me. But your voice is so warm and quiet. My voice is so cheerful and promising. And neither you nor I want to go on. But your voice and my voice are like a longing of distant lands, magical lands where wishes come true. From dimensions where everything is energy for which there are no barriers.

  And I am talking about some things. Banal things. Stupid things. You find that the stupid things I say are charming and you smile. You smile, but not very wide because you have no intentions at all. You are just an actor in the oldest game of seduction. You do not want the game to end. I have no courage to announce defeat. And we leave determined to fight for our freedom.

 

  Then I meet you by accident and you are all expectation and tenderness. But this is not a romantic encounter in moonlight. Which is like a spell for continuation and affiliation. I do not belong to you. You will never belong to me. That is so reassuring. Because all this enormous energy is capable of destroying our ordered worlds. You do not want that. I also do not have the urge to fly with you.

You are afraid of me becoming real, too real. I am terrified by the thought that you may be part of my everyday life. Because I prefer the game of mind. Because everything real and significant has already happened in your eyes. I kissed you with my mind and you did not mind at all. And everything is so beautiful without the false promises of eternal faithfulness. Because I know you will not be forever faithful to me. And you are aware that I cannot promise you faithfulness. Because we belong to ourselves.

 But what I see in your eyes that follow me everywhereр is frighteningly real. It is more than a promise of faithfulness. Until I am not a constant part of your everyday life, you are ready to follow me everywhere. You are ready to sacrifice  yourself to find me with your eyes. And I want nothing more. I do not want false promises. Do not expect me to ask you several times a day whether you love me. I am not so insecure in myself. I am the free dream that has already captured your body and mind. And I can safely announce victory, victory without illusions. A silent victory.

 I am the temptation. But you do not want to win me. You are the temptation. And I am determined to keep you in my mind forever.

(Elena S. Lyubenova)